Oh, you know how I feel about unsolicited and pitches from vendors I’ve never heard of before getting their call/email.

I just have to say, Philip Lew, whoever the hell you are, you got me with your prose.

I want you to personally know that I couldn’t delete or mark-as-spam your e-mail, as it moved me beyond words. So I’ll just share it with my readers:

Legalwatercoolerblog.com Team,

I thought you might like to know some reasons why you are not getting enough Social Media and Organic search engine traffic for Legalwatercoolerblog.com.

1. Your website Legalwatercoolerblog.com is not ranking top in Google organic searches for many competitive keyword phrases.

2. Your company is not doing well in most of the Social Media Websites.

3. Your site is not user friendly on mobile devices.

There are many additional improvements that could be made to your website, and if you would like to learn about them, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with a detailed analysis in the form of a WEBSITE AUDIT REPORT for FREE.

Our clients consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are at the top of the Google search rankings. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company’s website traffic and online reputation. You will be happy to know that, my team is willing to guarantee you 1st page Google ranking for most of your targeted keyword phrases in our six month ongoing campaign.

Sound interesting? Feel free to email us or alternatively you can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you. I am also available to meet you in person and present you this website audit report.
Best Regards,

Philip Lew

Marketing Consultant

PS I: I am not spamming. I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

PS II: I found your site using Google search and after having a look over your website I recommend you to implement future technologies such as HTML5 and Responsive Design to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

I get these emails with every post I make, so I know they come from spam-bots (no need to educate me on this one), but I am still taken aback by the tactic, and does this actually work?

Your blog sucks, so hire me to fix it. Hmmmmm. Is that like telling me I look fat in this dress, so you can work with me as a personal shopper?

At least Cassie Griggs tried to butter me up before I flagged her/it as spam:

I have read so many articles or reviews on the topic of the blogger lovers however this piece of writing is actually a nice paragraph, keep it up.

The Beach Body people don’t call me fat … they just send me pictures of people who look better than me in a bathing suit.

Come on, Philip. At least offer a girl a plaque.