to do listTo say life has been in session this past year would be an understatement. I’m crazy, stupid busy everywhere. I can’t seem to get to what I want to get to. My mind is constantly swimming with what I need to do next … trying to create the pathway to get done, well, everything.

Nothing has fallen through the cracks, although I have had to let things get perilously close before I had the time to yank it back to get it done.

It’s not organizational. It’s not that I’m seeking “work life balance.” It’s just that my life is very full, and those areas of my life of importance are busy. Work. My relationship with the Sports Dude. My kids. My spiritual life. My friends. My extended family. My professional development.

It’s not that I want to do it all. It’s that I want to be present and active in each of these areas because they are each important to me.

To sit down and write this post means the sacrifice of something equally important: Today it’s my morning meditation and yoga.

I wrote a post many years ago about managing my time, including taking a Sharpie to my calendar, and I have done that and continue to do all of those things. I have taken things off my plate, removed myself from what is not necessary. I have shut down the chatter so it does not distract me, and I filter my intake so I get the most important information. Yet I am still crazy, stupid busy.

More adjustments need to be made. I am not as engaged where I want to be engaged, and the things that will get crossed out in this round will be things that are important to me, to make room for other things that are just slightly more important right now.

For instance, the Sports Dude and I went to see The Cure (awesome concert. See video here because WP won’t let me embed) at the Hollywood Bowl Tuesday night. It was a late night and I was exhausted and came home early (on time) Wednesday from work. And I just chilled.

When I came home last night, I didn’t change my clothes and run off to my next whatever (board meeting, spiritual meeting, take a kid to whatever the kid needed to go, run a bunch of errands on my way home). I just came home, played with my crazy puppy, ate a salad from Trader Joe’s, threw on my sweat pants and chilled. On my couch. Wow. Do people do this every night? I needed those three hours (before I fell asleep watching something on my DVR that I recorded six months ago) to realign myself with my universe.

I feel as if I am always, always on the go. And I did this to me. So the app to fix my life is once again just me. I am missing out on things I need to rejuvenate, make space, and time.

If you got to this point, you must be wondering why I am posting my “Dear Diary” here?Part of it is to tell on my self. To commit to my friends who will read this. To commit to myself.

Part of it is an apology. I have faithful readers, and I have not been writing. What I miss most right now is writing. I have no time to write. Writing is not an hour here, ten minutes there. It is a disciplined art and I have lost my discipline.

For me to write, I need to read. And I have not been doing that either. More space needed.

For me to write, I need to have experiences. And while I have those. A necessary part of how I process is to put fingers to keyboard. When I don’t, the messages get stuck in my head on a loop. I need more space.

For me, writing is a necessary part of how my brain processes. I have to get it all out. And I haven’t been doing that.

Space. Where is there space? Not just time on my calendar, but space in my head to process.

I have two more Girl Scout functions and we’re done. There is some space.

I am assessing everything on my plate at work and slowing it down. I can’t get it all done this year (and, by the way, no one is asking me to). More space.

My HOA is finishing up one huge project, and starting another … but once those are done, we can slow down. Space.

And spiritually, I have to assess what fills me up, and what is taking up my time. That will be the hardest place to assess.

If you got this far, thanks for continuing to be a part of my journey.

  • Yes!! “It’s not that I want to do it all. It’s that I want to be present and active in each of these areas because they are each important to me.” I’m having this existential moment too, and I find that I’m pleased with where my heart and mind are taking me. Put stuff in the world when it has meaning, stop throwing a thousand things at the wall, be honest, and preserve the quiet rejuvenating time with the people who matter most. Great post!

  • cherylbame

    Heather- You just wrote what most of us can relate to in our lives. Thanks for reminding us we are not alone.

    • The hard thing is trying to explain to people that, yes, what you are wanting to do with me is important, but so is everything else. I have had to ask people to get back to me in six months and MAYBE I can think about that.

      It’s not personal. I’m just really, really busy.

  • I feel your pain, Heather. Thank you for putting a voice to the emotion. Excellent post as always!